The Go Go Bars/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ loud blowing sound ] you know, some of the newer, more expensive cars have a system that lets the driver know there's something in his way when he's backing up. I guess real wealth means never having to look in your rear view mirror. My level of wealth means not even having a rear view mirror. But I figure, hey, what the heck? I can at least act wealthy. [ engine turning over ] [ tuba blasts ] [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Appreciate that. Well, big, big week up at the lodge this week. Rumour has it we're going to get a new bar in town because right now we just have the one... The broken spirit. There's no competition, so they got a real attitude. Get this... They won't serve you unless you can pay. Uncle red! Uncle red! [ cheers and applause ] it's so great. The bar's in town. The bar's in town. The bar's in town. You know what it's called? The go go bar. I like the sound of that, harold, eh. You think bernice will let me go? Well, you don't go to it. No, you eat it. It's an energy bar, go go bar. Yeah, and they've asked me to do the marketing in this area. Go go bar! Go go bar! Go go away, harold. Harold, you gotta hook us up with some more of these go go bars. Oh, yeah, you gotta get us as many as you can spare. I haven't felt this great my whole life. Usually the sewage business just sucks the energy right outta me. Well, there's a delivery coming this afternoon. I'll have them sent right over to your places. Oh, send 'em to the store, not to my home. 'cause if ann marie spends the day eating energy bars, by bedtime I'm a dead man. Not a bad way to go, though, dalton. You guys even know what's in these things? Well, they're all natural, red. Yeah, they got electrolytes for energy; ginseng for, uh -- oh! Memory; and ginger root for general health. Hey! I could be their mascot. All hail general health. Oh, yeah? You look more like major dufus. [ applause ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] tonight's winner receives this exciting breath mint gun. It's perfect for party guests with halitosis. Just get 'em laughing, then nail 'em with a candy right between the tonsils! [ applause ] okay, ed, cover your ears. Red, you have 30 seconds to get ed frid to say this word... Yeah, all right, winston. And... Go! Okay, ed, you know this one. What do you call a group of lions? Trouble. No, okay, this is something that a man has that should never be taken away from him. His leg. No, um... Okay, ed, you're an effective animal control officer, so this brings you lot of... Medical attention. No, okay. You know what? This is something that every person should have. Oh! An escape route! Okay, you've heard a man say, I may not have a lot of money, but at least I've got my... Own teeth. Almost outta time, red. Yeah, okay. Okay, ed, what comes before a fall? Stepping on a rat. Stepping on a rat? Look, it happened, okay? I don't take any pride in it. There you go! [ ♪ ] oh, hi, everybody. Ranger gord here with another one of my critically acclaimed animated shorts. I know what you're asking yourself... Which critic gave me the acclaim? Oh, well, sorry, folks. I didn't realise this was let's call gord's bluff night. So I made it up. Big deal. It's called hype. Those hollywood big shots do it all the time. Oh, yeah, but when gord does it, old buddy gord, you gotta cut him down to size, don't you? [ heaving sobs ] anyway, this one's called, all about the northern lights. So sit back and enjoy. Here we go. [ ♪♪ ] [ ♪ ] hey, everyone. Today I'm going to teach everyone alive about the miracle of the northern lights. Also known as the aurora borealis. Isn't that interesting? Actually, you're starting to boreal us already. Ha! A small joke from a small man. Amusingly, ancient people came up with all kinds of ridiculous explanations for the lights, thinking them animal spirits or an omen of war. Of course, now we all know the real cause. Oh, electrons from the solar winds interacting with the earth's magnetic field? Gord: Very naive, harold. No, the lights are actually the spirit of aurora, greek goddess of the dawn, reaching across the heavens to communicate with her one true love... Me. Look! There she is now. To the horizon line. Oh, false alarm. It's just an out-of-control bonfire. Come on. Let's go. Oh-ahh, maybe you should put it out, gord. Do I tell you how to do your job, harold? [ thunder clap ] well, you're in luck. Rain's taking care of it. Yes, but with these low lying storm clouds, we'll never see aurora. Here, you two climb this surprisingly tall tree and take a picture of her to show everyone. Oh-ahh, she's your true love, gord. Why don't, um, you do it, huh? Clearly you know nothing about women, harold. I'm playing hard to get. Come on. Now, do it. [ thunder clap ] [ red and harold screaming ] oh, that was fast. Let's see the photo. I think my fillings have melted. Hang on. Storm's clearing. Oh, forget it, gord. We can't see the lights. And even if we could, it's just a bunch of charged particles in the atmosphere. It's not a goddess. Oh, really, red? And what do you call that? [ choral music ] [ voice echoing ] gordon, I've missed you. Well, I missed you too, aurora. Why haven't you called? Well, gee, baby, you know, this is my busy time of year. Oh, I can't believe we ever doubted him. Well, truly, we are the fools. That's right. Thanks for showing up, doll face. You really know how to light up a room, huh? [ laughing ] [ ♪♪ ] [ applause ] we've all seen these picket fences that people think are quaint and rustic and give a sense of easy living in a relaxed rural environment. But let's not forget the main purpose of a fence is to keep something in or something out or both. So this time on handyman corner, I'm gonna show you how to turn your picket fence into a billboard that'll send a clear message to your neighbours and the world in general. First thing you wanna do is take the pickets off there. All you need for that is a hammer. And maybe some wood glue. Okay, I know I said wood glue, but you knew I was kidding. Now you wanna remount all your pickets on there using just one six-inch spike in each one and just held in one place so the picket can kind of pivot from there. And, yeah, you can use a smaller nail if you want to. I prefer the bigger target, but, hey, it's your thumb. Okay, I got all my pickets mounted on there, and then I've attached fishing line to each one. That's how I control it. By the way, these are wooden pickets. They're not wilson pickets. Hoo! Hoo! Good god, y'all! Ow. These fishing lines are all attached to my billboard control panel. This is where all the thinking came in. That took a while. Each line is attached to a ring here, and when I wanna form a certain letter, I just pull that ring down to the peg across from that letter, and that turns my picket fence into a billboard. For example, let's say you've got some new neighbours moving in next door and you wanna use your fence to say hello. Okay, but then maybe after they've lived there for a little while you find out they like to fool around with firearms in the backyard. Well, that requires a change of signs. Oh, wait. That's not right. And then when you finally realise these are really not your kind of people, don't sit on the fence. Let them know. And it's just that easy. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. [ horn honking ] [ cheers and applause ] [ ♪ ] I want to talk to all you dads out there who say stuff to your kids like, shoot for the stars or strive to be number one. Oh, I know all you're trying to do is pour gasoline onto the soggy kindling of adolescent ambition, but are you helping the kid or are you just setting him up for a lifetime of disappointment? 'cause to have a real good life depends more on geometry than it does on ambition. See, success to me is kind of like a pyramid -- it's like your own body shape. Kinda got your little point at the top and real wide at the bottom. And you don't want to get too many people out there because, well, it just doesn't work, and it's too much like a government. And ask yourself this question, do you want your kid to behave the way the guys at the top do? I didn't think so. Instead, give 'em the same advice that made you the man you are today... Shoot for the middle. I'm telling you, for most of us, the middle is where you want to be, because in life the odd time you stumble now and then, and if you're in the middle, no matter which way you fall, you got somebody to land on. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. Sometimes in life, things start to look grim. Your septics get filled to well past their brim. So call me right now, and I'll give them a skim, before a walk on the lawn turns into a swim. Well, boy, I have to admit, I've turned right around in this whole energy bar thing. I've been eating harold's go go bars here, and they've got a real kick to them. Oh, yeah. I'll tell ya, I'm more alert, and I'm getting more stuff done. I'm even listening to people when they're talking to me now. And I've stopped snoring, actually stopped sleeping all together. Uncle red, have you got a minute? Well, let me just check my daytimer. You have a daytimer? Yeah, I'm a busy guy, harold. We're making a lot of changes to the lodge, okay? Harold: Okay. All right. How are you next July, say, the 23rd around 3:15? Good. Yeah. Fine. All right, I'll put you down for 3:15. I'll have my people set it up, okay? You have people now? Here they are now. Dalton, want to meet with harold next July 23rd at 3:15. We'll give him ten minutes, okay? What do you got for me? Okay, did a market analysis on the lodge property, and the condo development looks like the way to go. Have you lost your mind? Exactly. Listen to dalton here. The commercial sector is where it's at. I say we turn this dump into a mini-mall. No. No. How 'bout this, guys... We put a condo development on top of a mini-mall? Ka-ching! Ka-ching! Let's meet tonight on this, okay? How 'bout 3:00 a.M.? That way we can check the canadian dollar when the london markets open. But I'm going to need some more go go bars. Me too. Yes, me too. Oh, no, no, no. Wait! Wait! You guys had better cut way back on the go go bars. C'mon. No way you gotta keep those go go bars coming, harold. I don't have any! What do you mean? I don't have any. It was just a test. That's all they sent me. Can't you see what's happening here? You guys are addicted to the go go bars. No! No. No. No. I can quit any time I want. I hope so because there are no more go go bars. That's cool. Fine. That's all right. I am okay with it! I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. Red (voice over): We have an area out behind the lodge that seems to collect a lot of garbage for some reason. Once in a while we got to clean her all up, and walter and I were back there trying to get her cleaned up a little bit and we had no idea where the garbage -- dalton had come by on his way to the dump in a pickup truck, and apparently there is a pothole there, and we didn't see it -- and this may be where the garbage -- and of course we didn't see it come along, but we just kind of ignore that and carry on. But walter noticed that the board there had a nail in it. He thought this might come in handy for picking up papers and what have you, so we tried it -- just tried one, you know, we could probably pick up four, five or six more all on the one go. So that's kind of smart thinking. Meanwhile I'm not paying a whole lot of attention to what he's doing. I'm just picking up garbage and putting it into the bag, and then he comes over with the thing and wants me to hold the bag for him. He's going to -- okay, that's fine. That's fine. Just do it. Just do it, walter. All right, good. And then he couldn't get the -- he couldn't actually get the stick back out of the thing. And he couldn't figure out why it wouldn't come out. So I had to point out to him where actually the problem was coming from. And I had a pretty good idea of where it was. And then oh, boy. Oh, boy. You know, it's like so much of the hotter food. It's not the hello, but the good-bye you remember. So, uh, we just kept on cleaning it, but dalton comes back the other way, and this time he's got a garbage can, and this time it was walter's turn to have a little fun. And you know it's a funny thing. I heard about somebody on the airplane had a problem with kind of an airtight fit, and this is the same thing. Walter was going through -- kind of a suction going on there, and, uh, can't get it off, so he comes over to me for help. And I had noticed on the first load of garbage that came in here there were some jumper cables and so -- I thought one handle's positive, the other handle's negative, and then -- I think the battery still had a little bit of -- you don't need a lot of juice to blow a garbage can off a guy's hindquarters, usually. And, okay, there she goes. So that worked well. So, meanwhile, dalton's got a 2 x 4 and the hubcap comes right off his wheel. Well, the 2 -- well it's more of a - that was more of a 2 x 10. But when the hubcap hit, he suddenly realized this garbage was coming from the road, and I notice that it's dalton's pickup. That's where all the garbage is coming from. So now I got an idea -- and I'm dangerous when I got an idea. So we cleaned up the whole area, got her all into one garbage bag. Got that into the garbage can. And I told walter, put that on the end of the 2 x 10. And then we'll each grab an end, and we'll take her over to the road. And what I'm gonna do is put my end of the plank right over the actual pothole and just kind of stand back and wait to see what happens. What we'll do is get dalton to take his own garbage back. And to make sure it never happens again, I used the hubcap to fill the pothole. [ ♪ ] ever notice with these small barbeques that when you run the flame wide open for a while, the propane tank gets all frosty? I'm sure there's a scientific explanation for that, but who cares? The main issue is how can we use that situation to make our lives better? So let's say you're going to make yourself a hamburger, and you'd like to have a cold drink to go with it. It can be any kind of drink you want, as long as it has the plastic harness holding all the cans together. The fermentation is optional. Make a slit in the plastic, right up the middle. Then you can slide the whole unit over the frosty part of the propane cylinder. Put your burger on there first. Okay, you want to make sure every can is touching. Then you got yourself an instant cooler. Now you just leave her set on high. And by the time the burger's hot and tasty, the drinks'll be cold and frosty. [ coughing ] well, we're all off the go go bars. So we're back to having no energy, which means nothing's going to change around here, which is actually the only appeal to the whole possum lake area when you think about it. A lot of the guys had trouble quitting the go go bars cold turkey, but not me. See, the difference is, I've got a strong mind. Well, I've got a pretty strong mind. Well, I've got a mind. Well, that's it, uncle red. This test is over. So what did you do with those extra go go bars I found? I threw them all into mercury creek, harold. See, that's water pollution. Not in mercury creek. It can handle a few energy bars. I've seen it dissolve a snowmobile. Well, either way, I've phoned the company. I told them their product is dangerous. And the list of ingredients was misleading. "may contain caffeine"? It was pure caffeine! Really? You got a go go bar! You got a go go bar. No, no, this is just one from the original batch that you gave me, harold. There's no ingredient listing on there. Oh, no, no, no. Not on the ones that we gave you. This is just a placebo. There's nothing in here but water, flour and some flavouring. Yours were all fake. You mean all those changes in me were just my brain at work, harold? See how strong my mind is? [ possum squealing ] oh, meeting time! Yeah, you go ahead, harold. I'll be right down. So if my wife is watching, I'll be coming home straight after the meeting. Maybe you should wait up. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge. Keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] everybody sit down. Here we go. Everybody sit down. Sit down. Sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. All right, men, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. Okay, men, apparently winston has some kind of public service announcement. Yeah, guys, you're going to have to be careful when you're fishing in mercury creek. With all the go go bars in there, fish are going to be a little more twitchy for a while. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com